Losing My Religion

What the hell? What the fuck? What is going on?
This is everything i worked for, this is all i've ever wanted...and now that it's actually within my reach...I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.
I never thought getting what i wanted meant losing the passion. and losing friends.
Can we just go back to the days where the only thing that mattered was to have fun.
whatever happened to having fun.
whatever happened to being young & restless.
whatever happened to being friends forever.
whatever happened, i do not like it.

What makes me a little more happy and a little less grumpy these days:

-SPRING. enough said?

-Hand cream & nail polish

-Car rides, windows down, Milkshake vraiment loud.

-Massages.

-Drinking a lot of water

-Grey's Anatomy

-Mini skirt

-Home alone

-Not giving a fuck

enough with the questions

Here is a list (god knows i love lists) of questions I am SICK of being asked.

1. Do I have a boyfriend?
NO. NO I DONT. Do I look like I do? My question is: when would i see the damn guy? Between 2 and 4 in the morning maybe? And would the boyfriend handle all my horse riding week ends in the country? NO. No boyfriend. Not now. Please, please, PUH-LEASE stop asking.

2. Where is Allison?
Why don't you fucking ask her yourself. I don't know where she is, I dont know what's going on with her, with her life, if she has a boyfriend and how she is doing in school.I do not know if she will come back, or if she still rides, I do not know what she plans to do with her life. What the fuck am I, her spokesperson? I don't know, okay?

3. What do I want to do when I grow up?
It's not like I have a life plan, you know, a tall husband, a mini van, 3 kids (2 girls, 1 boy) and a brown puppy. Je le sais pas. I'm like a 5 year old kid, I go from wanting to be a teacher to a CSI to a movie star. I don't know what I want to do, I don't want your opinion on what I should do, I will figure it out myself, thank you very much.

4. Am I going to buy Harvey?
I have 33$ in my bank account, so clearly I am not going to buy myself a horse. Are my parents going to? I doubt it. Is it worth it? I doubt it. Am I a little sick of the endless horseback riding gossip and bullshit? Definitely.

5. Don't you find it boring alone in the country?
Seriously. SE-RI-OUS-LY? No, I really enjoy eating kraft dinner every night, watching 6 hours straight of Grey's Anatomy and having conversations with myself. Clearly my idea of fun, voyons.

mais j'sais pu ou j'suis rendue

tuesday afternoon, 1:22. i'm at school, i have a class at 3:30.
I should be doing homework, it's not like i don't have any.
There's just too much going on inside my head for me to concentrate on things like the Medieval View of the Crusades, or Salvador Dali's works in relation to Freud's ideas of psychoanalysis.
And honestly, i couldn't care less.

I'm wondering why I can't get myself to take decisions and to keep them.
I'm wondering why my phone hardly ever rings anymore, and when it does, it's usually bad news.
I'm wondering what the mixed signals mean. And if it's worth getting hurt once again.
I'm wondering why I can't find the right words, ever.
I'm wondering what's going to happen next.

I don't even think I want to know. I wish I could forget how to think.

what's going on.

''i'm so tired. tired of the drama. tired of missing him. tired of spending all my time trying not to miss him. tired of being so fucking angry. at him. at mom. at dad. and most of the universe. tired of having to deal with people. tired of not getting anything close to what i want. tired of having the wrong people want me. tired of wanting the wrong people. tired of thinking. tired of the games. But if i got rid of all that - what would I have left?''

(Naomi & Eli's No-Kiss List).

enough is enough.

a rant about being the third wheel.
many should feel concerned with this post.

The chase is over, honey.
I am so sick of always being the runner-up, the second choice.
I will not spend my life waiting after you.
You don't need me any anyways, look at all those cool friends you have. Oh and what an amazing life you live!

So that's it. I'm done. It's over.
If you want me, you know where to find me.

Baby I'm Bad News

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin' and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left
And It's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news
I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and I call you and say "C'MERE!"
And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news
And it's bad news
Baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news
'Cause you're just damage control for a walking corpse like me - like you '
Cause we'll all be Portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be Portions for foxes
There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin' then touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left
And it's bad news I don't blame you
I do the same thing I get lonely too
And you're bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news
That you're bad news
Baby you're bad newsand you're bad news
Baby you're bad news and you're bad news
I don't care I like you and you're bad news
I don't care I like you

let's go back to the start.

It was an interesting week end.
Party-Ride-Sleep-Ride-Bus.
It was fun. I think.
Didn't see it go by, really.

I grew up a lot. It hit me this week end; talking about things that happened and realizing it was two years ago. Two years? ALREADY? It seems like it was just yesterday.

We're adults now. When did that happen? How do we make it stop?

To be honest, I'm scared shitless.

hurricane jane.

Sometimes i miss her. They took her away from me. Surprisingly enough, i was very strong. Almost no tears, no nostalgia, nothing. I took it all like the big girl i am. After all, i knew it was going to happen, it was not much of a surprise.
But now, 3 months later, it's starting to kick in. She's all alone now, and so am i. See, that was the thing between Jane and I... We believed in each other. We trusted each other. She was not the most talented. She was far from being the prettiest. She was small, too strong and very stubborn. But she was mine. It took months, weeks, hours, a lot of pain and so many tears. But we did it. I gained her confidence and she gained my trust. We became what so many horse-rider combinations seek for without ever finding it: a team. I realize now that there is a missing part of me now that she is gone. She was Olivia's Jane and I was Jane's Olivia. It's not that I don't like my new horse. Harvey is amazing, a champion, the perfect eventer, every girl's dream (everything Jane was not) But he is someone else's. Someone who did with him all the great things I did with Jane. I know it's going to work out, him being the talented horse he is and me being, well, an okay rider. But it will never be the same.

I miss my baby. <>

what i need.

as of january 20, 2009.

A Friend.

-one that will call just to check on me or just to say hi, not only to tell me about how fucked up he/she got last night.

-one that would listen as much as he/she talks.

A Guy.

-one that would call me beautiful instead of hot.

-one that would actually have something interesting to say. (that is a lot to ask for)

Some Sleep

-no freaky dreams.

-no 2 am texts

A Slap in the Face.

to maybe give me the courage to do the many things i should have done a long time ago.

let the drummer kick

It is so true what they say, that you only get older, not wiser.
I turned 18 yesterday.
I always imagined my 18th birthday would be something extraordinary, something i would remember for the rest of my life, the beginning of a whole new life.
No.

It does not matter that you are 18, or 4 or 89 or 31...
People still lie.
People still don't give a fuck.
People still break your heart.

Some things will never be different, i guess.