hurricane jane.

Sometimes i miss her. They took her away from me. Surprisingly enough, i was very strong. Almost no tears, no nostalgia, nothing. I took it all like the big girl i am. After all, i knew it was going to happen, it was not much of a surprise.
But now, 3 months later, it's starting to kick in. She's all alone now, and so am i. See, that was the thing between Jane and I... We believed in each other. We trusted each other. She was not the most talented. She was far from being the prettiest. She was small, too strong and very stubborn. But she was mine. It took months, weeks, hours, a lot of pain and so many tears. But we did it. I gained her confidence and she gained my trust. We became what so many horse-rider combinations seek for without ever finding it: a team. I realize now that there is a missing part of me now that she is gone. She was Olivia's Jane and I was Jane's Olivia. It's not that I don't like my new horse. Harvey is amazing, a champion, the perfect eventer, every girl's dream (everything Jane was not) But he is someone else's. Someone who did with him all the great things I did with Jane. I know it's going to work out, him being the talented horse he is and me being, well, an okay rider. But it will never be the same.

I miss my baby. <>

what i need.

as of january 20, 2009.

A Friend.

-one that will call just to check on me or just to say hi, not only to tell me about how fucked up he/she got last night.

-one that would listen as much as he/she talks.

A Guy.

-one that would call me beautiful instead of hot.

-one that would actually have something interesting to say. (that is a lot to ask for)

Some Sleep

-no freaky dreams.

-no 2 am texts

A Slap in the Face.

to maybe give me the courage to do the many things i should have done a long time ago.

let the drummer kick

It is so true what they say, that you only get older, not wiser.
I turned 18 yesterday.
I always imagined my 18th birthday would be something extraordinary, something i would remember for the rest of my life, the beginning of a whole new life.
No.

It does not matter that you are 18, or 4 or 89 or 31...
People still lie.
People still don't give a fuck.
People still break your heart.

Some things will never be different, i guess.

this year's love.

in a few days, 2008 will be over and all hopes will be on year 2009. I have great expectations for this upcoming year, since the one that is just ending was so...so what? So unlike any other year before. In a good way. I think.

2008 was a year of realizations, of little victories, of small defeats, of new discoveries. A year of new friendships, but also of sad goodbyes. The year where little Olive started getting her shit together, standing up for herself and telling -not very loudly but still- the rest of the world to fuck off. Other people are not always right, and 2008 had its very special way of proving it.

In 2008, i cried a lot. Sometimes for silly reasons, other times because i was confused, or lonely. Sometimes though, i cried because i was happy.
I laughed too, and not just a little bit. I laughed at myself, laughed at others, laughed because i did not know what else to do, or to hide something else.

I lost control at times, but never lost my values.
I lost patience too many times, but never lost hope.
I lost courage a few times, but never lost my inner strenght.

So what's to expect for 09?
2009 will be the year of big decisions.
style ''ça passe ou ça casse''
style art school vs law school
style money vs horses

But i think 2008 prepared me well for those choices, as i grew up a lot in the past year.
it's all up to me now.

i wish you all a merry xmas and a happy new year :)

the hook ups, the set ups, the fuck ups.

''The truth always comes out; it's one of the fundamental rules of time. And when it comes out, it can set you free or end everything you fought so hard for.''

-Gossip Girl

what

is

wrong

with

me?

i hate snow. snow is the devil. fuck snow.

1 more day, and the semester is over. it went by so so fast.
i learned a lot of things during my first months at champlain college.
i would like to share my experience :)

1. I can trust no one but myself;
whether it is for schoolwork or for life in general, it's all up to me-me-me.

2.The last thing i want in life is a relationship;
''she falls the players but she plays the same games''

3. I can't bullshit my way through everything;
...i was doing so good, fuck!

4. I really don't want to be a lawyer;
i'd rather die, sorry dad.

5. Being alone is awesome;
it just is, there is nothing else to say.

6. I am self-centered and hubristic;
but so is everyone i know.

7. The word ''hubris'' is now part of my everyday vocabulary, along with ''in fact'', ''flourished'' and ''emerged'' ;
thank you mr lemay, mr charpentier & mrs. kerr. thank you very much.

8. I am not a party person;
and my childhood dreams of hardcore partying in college are crushed.

9. I miss my old friends;
as much as i complained last year, i really miss having them around. you don't know what you got until it's gone...

10. I forgot what not being tired feels like;
and i would like to thank the liberal arts program for the mental mindfuck.

Three more semesters.
Then what?

poker face.

dear you.
i don't like you.

i thought you needed a crazy girl like me.
you don't.

and i don't need a perfect guy like you.
i fucking don't.

so it's all good then?

''So long, Honey Babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But Goodbye's too good a word, babe
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right''
Don't Think Twice, It's Alright - Bob Dylan